I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize