So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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