I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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