Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Randomize
