Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
