After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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