i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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