are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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