I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
