its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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