mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
