genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Randomize
