apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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