Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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