I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
