That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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