You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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