Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
