someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
