I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
porn star boner night. come get it.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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