is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
