you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
