Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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