you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
