I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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