I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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