i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Randomize
