I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Don't make out with my wife yet
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I want her autograph on my taint
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
