what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
