Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
