I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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