I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
