he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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