Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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