They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
