Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
