i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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