If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
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