Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
