Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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