So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
