when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
