wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
