So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
