ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
