I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
