The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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