I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize