genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
The beer is more important than you right now.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
