you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize