It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize