there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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