I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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