guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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