I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
