I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
